Wednesday, May 23, 2012
{ 10:03 AM }
all i can feel is disappointment. i cannot feel any other emotion besides that. now i am thinking why i ended up like this. all i want to do is hide in one corner and cry right now. i should have anticipated this coming right? but..why do i still feel the pain? all of a sudden, i feel as though i've lost everything. 幸福的感觉顿时变成了空虚，悲伤。我好像变成了一无所有。
i am truly very sad now:( if you comfort me, i will tell you everything. but i just can't tell anyone how i am feeling right now. i still remember crying very hard when i failed my physics during my jc days. really miss those times when i had someone to comfort me when i cry. he/she don't have to do anything, just sit there and listen to me, accompany me. but it's difficult to find someone like that now. never mind, at least there's still my shadow and me..i still have my company:(
can't wait to leave this place now.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
{ 9:26 AM }
I just listened to this song called blessings. the lyrics is so meaningful and made me realize a lot of things. i've always thought my life isn't good enough, not good enough as compared to some people. i feel that people don't understand me and i am all alone. i feel that i am not good enough and that god made me with so many flaws. sometimes i don't even know if i'm good enough for others. but this song made me realize that my situation is not yet considered bad. there are many people out there who are worse than me and need our help. suddenly i feel so touched that people in those worse situations can face life, face tomorrow with so much courage. it made me feel so embarrassed. why a person like me who is so lucky can't do the same.
i pray for those whose lives are affected by disasters, wars, poverty and illnesses, people whose family members are facing difficulties. i pray that the lord give them strength and courage to live each day. i pray that through those difficult situations, they will come out stronger. yet i hope that their situations will become better.
i finally realize that my final destination is to meet our father. but for now, i must learn to treasure everything and everyone i have. i may not be the best of all persons, but i am fortunate. i am fortunate to have a family and friends who care. i live in a safe and peaceful environment. although i am not rich, but my family can still make ends meet. excluding some occasionally illnesses, my family, friends and i are still quite healthy. for all these reasons, i must thank god. now i hope that my fortune can also be spread to those in need.
all of a sudden, me and my problems feel so insignificant. i am so sorry i didn't treasure my life. i took it for granted. i took everything i have for granted. from today onwards, i will work hard to spread goodness around me, i will treasure all that i have. thank you lord for enlightening me.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
{ 10:23 AM }
maybe i am wrong. my expectations are wrong. when you truly like someone, it wouldn't matter how he treat you back. you will still love him and be willing to sacrifice for him even if he doesn't love you back. i on the other hand, is looking for reciprocal. but love is not like that. this make me rethink about my relationship with him. do i really like him? i tried to help him with all that i can..but at the same time, when he does not reciprocate, i will willow in self-pity, complaining to my friends, trying to gain sympathy from them. is this called love? maybe i should reconsider if i really like him. but i thought i really felt something different when i am with him..i don't want to just give up like that. i will just try, try a while longer, until you really make me lose faith and patience in you.
but still, the bottom line is, i feel so used. it feels as if i am just someone whom you will look for when you are in need. you only care about yourself. in our conversations, you only talk about yourself. when i tried to talk about myself, you would turn the attention back to yourself. why can't you just listen to me for a while, care for me a bit more and try to understand or know more about me? am i not worthy of your time? sometimes i think that i am not worthy or anyone. you make me feel that i am not good enough to be friends with, to like anyone..it's things like that that made me wonder if i should continue liking you. i don't need a lot of things..i just need you to put more attention on me, just listen to what i have to say and not just talk about what you think and feel.
exams will be here in a few days time, but there's still so much to catch up. just feel so jaded by the things that is happening around me. all i want to do is just to lay in a corner and sleep forever. really don't know when all these things will end. for now i have exams to battle with, then after exams i still have convo to worry for. i guess all these will end when i leave for netherlands. and i really can't wait for that day to come. i want to leave this place and leave the things and memories for the time being.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
{ 9:35 AM }
是我自己找来的。明知道你根本不会理我，我还是硬着头皮去跟你说话。我真的不应该自作多情，自以为我能够感化你。
岑几何时，有人会在我难过的时候陪在我身旁安慰我。那时我没有珍惜。以前人家当我是宝，我却当他是草。现在就是我的报应了。我要找一个能明白我的人也这么难。我自己更瞎了眼，选了一个根本不会把我和我的心事，事情放在眼里的你。本以为你会在我伤心快乐时，与我分享一切。但我错了。我对你来说，根本比尘埃还低贱。
我有那么讨人厌吗？谢谢你让我在今晚意识到我其实是一个令人讨厌的女生。
这一切的一切全都是我自己找来的好吗。对不起，我以后再也不会烦你了。我再也不会在你的生命里出现。
Thursday, February 09, 2012
{ 7:06 AM }
Recently there is too much things weighing on my mind - convo, meeting the deadlines for exchange, rearranging my schedules for tuitions and canvassing. I think tomorrow I will settle some part of my exchange application so at least something off my mind. But then when i think about canvassing, i start to feel my head ache. Actually it is not the best of canvassing i can think of. i agree that there is some kind of sense of achievement when you see the kids enjoying. but as usual, given my nature, i became awkward every time i go for it since i am alone. i find that i cannot connect to them. i guess all my life i have been in a safe environment, nice people, good parents - i practically get whatever i want. i guess i will never be able to let them know that i understand. i really hope to understand them better, to share their problems and maybe help them achieve what their goals in life. but there is really a problem, there is a barrier. i think it's either me or them. This is a stepping stone for me if i am considering correctional psychology. will i not be a good counselor? i cant even handle young kids like them how am i going to handle prisoners? i am such a failure..
My mood hasnt been very good either these days. but it's more towards the lower part. been crying to myself nowadays. yet, i have to look strong on the outside. so where do all my tears go? it goes back into my heart. why am i in this state? when i am younger, whatever i do is to make my parents happy. now, i am doing things which i feel tired of doing already (just so that i will not cause others trouble). i am not happy, i am tired. i dont understand why from young till now i am not living my own life. i am living for others. but i really want a life of my own. i want to do the things i want to do, not care about what others think or say. all i want to do is just be happy. is this so difficult?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
{ 9:08 AM }
Why not just let me sleep forever. I feel so useless after personality. I can't do almost all the fill in the blanks and it's 50% of the paper:( I'm quite sure I will either fail or in better case, merely pass. Evo isn't any better either. Sigh. I can say goodbye to my chance of going for instep because my gpa for this sem will suffer..I just pray that the remaining papers will be fine. But bio..I think it'll be quite hard:( dear lord please save me! I promise to work harder if my results are considerable well ( best if I can go for instep) *prays hard*.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
{ 9:02 AM }
went cycling yesterday. i really had a fun time:D at first i was so scared but slowly i got the hang of it. and i should really thank my friend for being so kind and encouraging. i stopped quite a number of times. but now my hands and butt are hurting. i think i gripped onto the handle of the bicycle too hard and i sat on the bicycle too hard..although my muscles are aching and i'm kinda in pain, i still want to go cycling again!! hehee. i want to try it again so i can get better at cycling!
this week is really packed for me because i have something to do or somewhere to go everyday of this week. but i think i like it that way..if not stay at home and rot. yet, sometimes, i just want to sit at home and sleep whole day. dont know why i just cant sleep enough. life is good so far, hope it'll continue:D
